What is Grooming?
According to ex-FBI agent Ken Lanning, the term “grooming” originated in the 1980s during a series of investigations into sex crimes against children in the US.
Early investigations uncovered patterns of behavior and specific techniques used by predators to gain access to and the compliance of victims. These early conclusions brought to life the concept of grooming as a non-violent technique used by sexual predators who were not strangers but known to their victims.
Most children know their groomer, which is why it can make the grooming process easier. There have been children kidnapped by strangers for the purpose of trafficking but is not as common.
Did you know that a "Groomer" may or may not be the one that invests their time in gaining a kid’s trust?
Today, many trafficking rings operate like a drug organization, with the "Top Man" calling the shots and not being directly involved with the grooming and trafficking process, only benefitting from the money.
If a trafficker sees a child as a potential money marker, they will spend time and money on the child to break down boundaries, and maybe even appear as a loving partner. All of which is done to manipulate and break the child and parent bond.
Simply put, a groomer’s job is to find ways to get a child to trust them.
Who might be involved in grooming?
Anyone can engage in grooming behavior. They can be people of all genders. They can include older children, relatives, family friends, strangers, professionals, people from a family’s place of worship, sporting coaches, early childhood educators and schoolteachers.
Though grooming can take many different forms, it often follows these 7 Steps
1. Selecting a Victim refers to the first step of the grooming process, where an individual intentionally identifies someone who may be vulnerable or easier to manipulate, influence, or exploit.
2. Building trust is the step of grooming where an individual intentionally develops a relationship with a person and often with those around them. They work to appear safe, caring, helpful, trustworthy, or understanding in order to lower concerns and gain access and influence.
3. Filling needs is the step in the grooming process where an individual intentionally meets emotional, social, physical, financial, or spiritual needs in order to become increasingly important in someone's life. By providing what a person feels is missing, they can create loyalty, dependency, and a sense of obligation.
4. Isolation is the step of grooming where an individual gradually creates distance between the person and healthy relationships, support systems, or people who may recognize concerns or challenge the relationship. Isolation may be emotional, physical, social, spiritual, or digital and often occurs slowly over time.
5. Boundary testing is this step in the grooming process where an individual gradually introduces small violations of healthy boundaries to see how a person responds. The goal is often to determine what behavior will be accepted, ignored, or kept secret. With sex trafficking, sexualization is part of the boundary testing.
6. Exploitation is the step where the relationship is used for the benefit of the exploiter. After trust has been built, needs have been met, boundaries have been tested, and control has been established, the individual is manipulated, coerced, pressured, or deceived into actions that serve the interests of the person exploiting them.
7. Maintaining control is the step of grooming where an individual works to preserve influence and prevent the person from leaving, seeking help, or questioning the relationship. By this time, emotional bonds, dependency, fear, shame, secrecy, or manipulation may have become deeply established, making it very hard to leave.
More often than not, what you may encounter is sex trafficking. However, exploitation can take many forms, including sexual, labor, financial, emotional, spiritual, or criminal exploitation. Understanding the grooming process can help communities recognize concerns earlier and reduce vulnerabilities before exploitation occurs.
Signs that children and teenagers are being groomed.
Many of the signs of grooming can look like normal peer t0 peer or adult‐child relationships, which is why grooming is difficult to spot. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s important to trust your instincts, watch for signs and keep an eye on your child’s behavior.
The following signs might indicate that your child is being groomed.
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talks a lot about a particular adult or older teen.
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wants to spend a lot of time with a new person in their circle of friends and won't let you meet them.
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starts a relationship with an older person.
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is skipping school or sporting activities.
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is spending less time with current friends or changing friendship groups suddenly.
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spends more time alone in their room.
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closes down their computer, or apps when you enter the room.
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has unexplained gifts like clothes, jewelry or electronics and doesn’t want to talk about where the gifts came from
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doesn’t want to talk about what they’ve been doing or lies about it.
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stops telling you about their day or asking for your advice.
One of the Tactics of a Groomer is to Groom the Parents
Signs someone is grooming parents.
Grooming often involves gaining the trust of a child’s family to get time alone with the child. It can look like a close relationship with the child’s family, so it can be difficult to spot. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s important to trust your instincts and watch for signs.
The following signs might indicate that someone is grooming you or your family.
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oversteps your social boundaries – for example, they might show up to your child’s birthday party uninvited with a gift.
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offers to take your child to sports or other activities or offers to babysit or take your child camping.
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offers to mentor your child or individually coach your child.
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buy gifts for your family.
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offers to do things for your family, like repairs or gardening for free.
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shows an interest in your child’s activities, wellbeing, school grades or other areas of your child’s life
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compliments your family and your parenting style or suggests you to relax your childs rules.
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tries to start a flirtatious or romantic relationship with you.
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looks for vulnerable single parents to befriend.
Some of the ways grooming can take place.
Grooming can happen face to face or online. If grooming is happening face to face, the person might find ways to get to know a child and the child’s family. They might offer to take the child on outings.
Social Media and Apps are BIG tools Traffickers use.
If grooming is happening online, the person might pretend to be a child of the same age, a love interest
or even a celebrity. The groomer might use text, instant messaging, online chat and so on to build a relationship with the child. In fact, apps are commonly used to groom kids because of the false
sense of safety it presents when communicating with someone behind a screen.
What to do if you think a child is being groomed
Grooming isn’t always obvious. People engaging in grooming behavior work hard to gain trust and respect from children and families. So, it’s important to trust your instincts if something doesn’t feel right. It’s a good idea to keep your child away from the person you’re concerned about until you find out more.
It’s also important to:
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Watch out for signs that you or your child is being groomed.
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Stop the person from being alone with your child.
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Avoid letting the person do favors for your family.
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Ask other families who know the person if they have ever felt uncomfortable around them, or have seen them do inappropriate things around children.
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Find out how your child feels about the person by asking questions like ‘Do you like the way cousin A acts around you?’ or ‘Mr. G' likes a lot of your Instagram posts. Does he follow you on any other social media or try to message you?
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Make sure you know who your child's friends are and their parents. This will help you know when a new person enters your child's circle that could pose a threat.
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If you're concerned about an adult getting too close to your child, let them know you are watching them and do not hesitate to contact the police.
'Stop the Game'
Here's the reality: Groomers will use any tool at their disposal, including social media & apps to manipulate a child/teen into thinking they are a friend or love interest with the end goal of trafficking.
It is important to have the uncomfortable and awkward conversation of grooming to keep your children safe because children are now being trafficked right from the security of their own home via pictures, videos and live streaming
